To my Mom and all my Teachers with love

 Against all Odds and many “Nevers" 

“Medicine is anything that seeks complete healing and harmony through deep connection to all Life.” (A. Bailey) 

I was 11 when my mom told me that because of my health challenges I could not grow pretty, and I would “never” be physically attractive. The doctors drew a really grim picture of my future because of some degenerative bone and spinal condition that I had. They could not find a reason for it, but offered my parents an experimental surgery that was meant to replace practically my entire spine with transplant donor tissue. Even if I survived the surgery I would have been “signed off” on a permanent disability.

Trying to prepare me for my future my mom said: “You have to understand: It will only get worse”.  Years later I realized that it was her way of making me strong and independent.

My mom always loved “fixing” things and people, and I always trusted her. I was 14 when I went for a surgery… Right after the surgery I had my first near death experience. I was looking at my poor body from above while it was struggling to assimilate the transplant tissue… I simply did not want to come back into my broken body. (Who would blame me?) Finally, after some struggle between life and death something in me decided to come back. Something in me knew that I had a lot of work to do here before I was ready to go. My journey was just about to begin.

After my surgery my daily routine didn’t look like too much fun. After 2 years in a non-removable cast I was allowed: 
1) only a few hours of sitting with a band around my neck hooked to the ceiling at the top, so that it would hold my neck and spine during this time;
2) only a few hours of walking while wearing constant metal back and neck support ( metal pieces joined together with leather. Brrrr! looked really ugly!)
I was spending most of my time horizontal. Since I could not sit for 2 years I was using my “doggy” pillow on the floor standing on my knees during family meals. It was impossible to even take a shower of wash myself properly. All my hair was shaved since the cast covered most of my head at the back and was going all the way down to the end of my torso. I strongly doubt that this type of “experimental surgery” would be acceptable by any civilized medical community these days. That was a different time though, and a different part of the World. (I grew up in the former Soviet Union where they loved “experimenting”). 

Even though I had spent most of my later school years in a cast and in bed I graduated with my class, and was one of the best students.    

I was also told that I would “never” be able to bear a child and give a birth. That was my much “improved” picture after the surgery.

After I have survived all this, at the age of 16 my mom decided to give me another “shock therapy” session. She said, that because of my health, and how my body was, I most likely would “never” be loved by a man, or get married. She told me to get into serious schooling in order to be able to support myself in life with my brains since my body had failed me.

I was 17 when I passed my entrance exams, and was accepted to the University. Suddenly, after years spent in bed I found myself all alone in a big scary world and in a different country. The University was my only opening to some sort of future, and I took it. I graduated with honors and a joint degree in Psychology and Education, and returned home to teach in the University.

During all these years the power of a human psyche has always been a subject of my interest and fascination. It was that very source that gave me power and strength when life was giving me another “never”.                               

Soon after, I got married to a talented artist who was also a clinical schizophrenic. I certainly considered him my very “best bet”. He was unable to be anyone’s partner, and was looking primarily for a “servant”. I was deeply in love.

After a few unforgettable in rich learning years I decided to get pregnant. Well, I couldn’t. After multiple tests I was told that my hormones and my physiology will “never” allow for the pregnancy to happen. Anyhow, my family considered the very idea crazy, because even if I did manage to miraculously get pregnant I would not have been able to bear the pregnancy. Oh, well… It was just another “never”.   

At that time I have been already receiving and practicing various modalities of energy healing as well as hypnosis. Through the healing work I got pregnant.

Since the whole situation with me ”surviving or not surviving my pregnancy” was too much for the fragile psyche of my husband he retreated into his own shell, and my mom volunteered to move to the city where I lived in order to “fix” me again.

All my pregnancy I was in the hospital and horizontal. During my short visits home from the hospital my husband would never be emotionally available, and my entire family would phone and try to convince me terminating the pregnancy. My grandmother was heading the campaign on “saving me”, and was telling all the time that I would “never” make it to the end anyway, so why suffer? She considered that “I’ve always been crazy and irresponsible”, and even if I were to make it “my child will be disabled, or deformed, or both”. (This is what my poor baby girl was hearing for 9 month of her fetal development. Needless to say, that as she was born it was a long project for her to even start owning her life).

After 6 month of pregnancy in bed I was told by the doctors that if the course of things hadn’t changed soon neither my child nor myself will make it. According to doctors, both of us would “never” survive. The doctors were convincing me to terminate my pregnancy. After I have refused to kill my baby I was made to sign the paper the content of which I will never forget. It said, that “In case of my and/or my child’s death I will not hold the doctors responsible”.  I signed the paper sincerely agreeing to the fact that if I died I wouldn’t object any more.

We made it all the way,-my baby girl and myself. We had another challenge ahead of us though. Unfortunately, during a simple c-section surgery in a small and very non-sterile hospital environment I was infected, went septic, and nearly died again. There came my second near death experience that was way more intense and beautiful then the first one... I often think that every person should be blessed with some sort of near death experience, as after that they would have much better relationship with life. This time the struggle was more dramatic, and my mother was told to prepare herself to take the newly born child in her hands, as my husband was not mentally capable of raising a child.  

Looking back I really feel like I’ve been in training for a long time, practically all my life… I often wondered: “Why did I pick my mom, my aunt, my sister, my grandmother?”  Now I think it took that much common effort to get the message across. I was really not getting it!

When I was leaving my home country for Canada my family told me that I would “never” survive in a foreign country with my fragile health, no “family support”, no relatives, and no friends. Well, it was just another “never”.  

Right before my immigration to Canada probably because of my great “family support” group as well as other stresses I came down with a severe case of PID (pelvic inflammatory disease). The antibiotics did not work, and the verdict was a surgery, as the infection was spreading really fast. According  to doctors I was going to loose my ovaries and uterus, as I could “never” save them without a surgery. After some consideration I made a choice to live with all my pelvic organs. (If you put it in perspective it really is much better, isn’t it?) I healed myself again.  

It started becoming ironic how I kept going for help to doctors only to hear that they could not help me again. Meanwhile, all this “non-scientific” and “non-mom-approved nonsense" of energy healing kept saving my life. Still, l was not getting something important…

Here, in Canada, I changed a few fairly well-paid jobs in the Hospitals and Nursing Homes administration. May be the right area, but the wrong “department”. This is what I believe happens when we are not listening, and not following our path… Shortly, to my total surprise I ended up on an operation table again. This time it was a very simple and routine surgery of removing the gall bladder. The surgery went well, but after that I was back in the Emergency Room every other day with absolutely unbearable pain till I was admitted to the hospital for further investigation. I was hooked up to the intravenous narcotic pump that I used every 20-30 minutes for pain control. Doctors could not find anything wrong. Finally my doctor told me that in rare cases listed in literature the post-surgical pain “never” subsides. Since in the Hospital they could not help me anymore I was sent to the Chronic Pain Clinic. I honestly did not want to live…  

It was at that time that my husband brought to the Hospital a nurse who was practicing Biofield Therapy. She was working with my energy field while I was being plain mean to her. I agreed just for my husband. After she left though I used my narcotic pump only twice, and two days later after she worked with me again I was off the pump for good! Healing still went on for a while though. 

I came home from the Hospital with a serious decision to explore and pursue the energetic type of healing. The nurse who helped me obviously was sent to teach me another lesson, and became one of my teachers and mentors on my journey.

As they say: ”Once the student is ready–the teacher will come”. I must admit, that regardless  of all my Diplomas with Distinctions it took me really a long time to learn life lessons. I also believe that all my teachers ensured that I had a good training before I would be ready to work on others. I consider myself truly blessed through all my life experiences, and the fact that I can look into my client’s eyes not through the pages of a book.  

So, here I am at your service, living and well. I am here for all of you who are willing to open the door to their own healing; for all of you who feel I could support you; for all of you who dare say that there is no “never” except in our minds. 

It was said long time ago by Confucius:  
“If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?”. I say: nothing and never.